While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
The glow from the laptop reflects off his forehead as he stares at the screen, paralyzed by panicked perfectionism.
The Common Application essay prompts are neatly copied onto the blank document, taunting him with possibility.
His young mind races from topic to topic, each of which he dismisses immediately. His meaningful relationship with his deceased grandfather…overdone.
The first time he received a grade below an “A” on an English paper...trite.I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.Reading the college essay topics for what seems to be the hundredth time, he searches in vain for an event, challenge, accomplishment, obstacle, interest or talent about which to write.For a fleeting moment, he laments the absence of a personal tragedy to exploit while he sits with the cursor flashing—a pulsating symbol of perplexity. Especially tormented are the perfectionists, you dutiful students who view the college essay as just one more roadblock to be overcome with sheer will.Circulating via email and social media, this has to be the funniest, most outrageous "college application essay" ever written. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. Was it written for the purpose of applying for college? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.This satirical essay — or a version of it — was written in 1990 by high school student Hugh Gallagher, who entered it in the humor category of the Scholastic Writing Awards and won first prize.